Over the past few weeks, I have been talking about feeling really overwhelmed and trying to survive. As much as I continue to try to do this, I have been really trying (and I think fairly successfully) to be more in the moment of my life. I have restructured my work and school life so I can feel less overwhelmed and more in control. For those of you who know me, this issue of control is central to my overall mental health, something of which I am fully aware.
Thinking about my kids, as I sit here at 6:30am, being awake since 5:00am, I am just so appreciative of the quiet that these mornings bring me. As much as I dread dragging myself out of bed this early, when I do, I feel so much more peaceful during the day. Once Mason has his morning routine of eating at 5:00 and then cooing and smiling himself to sleep, I can get a good 1-2 hours of quiet in the house. No TV. No music. No kids. Just peaceful sleeping and quiet. Now just as I say that, I hear Mya talking through the monitor. "Mommy" "Daddy" "Mason". Over and over. It is so adorable that she recognizes who her family is.
The other day Mason started laughing. This is such a fun time developmentally for him. I love when he shows his big smile and dimples all around his little mouth. And it is always so fun to hear babies laugh for the first time. The contagiousness of this is so much fun.
As always, I feel blessed by my family and the people around me. The support and encouragement from others, including my kids, is often the very thing that keeps me going. For this I am always grateful.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Another week
Yesterday was Labor Day and as I sat at home with my family, I found myself counting down the weeks until school was done. I thought to myself, I will just take it week by week and then, before I know it, it will be over. I felt good about this decision.
Later that night (last night) I received a phone call from my dear friend Julie, who said her grandmother just died in a tragic car accident. Remembering what has just happened to my grandfather who is recovering in the hospital from a car accident as well, it just made me stop and think about how quickly life could change. In one second, life has changed for Julie, as it did for me with my grandpa. As I laid in bed last night, I realized how much I am wasting time, worrying about getting this done for school, or that done, while I am 'waiting' to be done. I don't want to spend my life 'waiting' for something else to be done or come along. I found myself thinking of being disappointed in myself for not spending as much time with Mya or Mason these past few weeks because I have been so overwhelmed by school. And the thing that really reminded me to wake up was reading a blog written by another dear friend Christina. She is about to face the 4 year anniversary of the death of her first born daughter and her strength and optimism is inspiring. As I think about my own kids, I realize how lucky I am and how much I am not appreciating as well as I could.
Now don't get me wrong, I love my kids and spend time with them all day everyday. But I think I can do better. I owe them that much. I have been getting up at 4 or 5am to try to get work done so that when they are awake I can spend time with them. But what has been happening is that I am getting up early, but then even when they are awake, I find myself drifting off to check my email or read this section of an article, when Mya is watching Dora. While she is learning a lot from Dora (Arriba...Abajo!!! - this is hilarious when she yells this out periodically), I know she needs more of her mother's attention. I intend to change that, beginning today.
I know that life is too short (because it feels like just yesterday that I was grumbing about architecture!) and can change in an instant. I also know that I love my children and husband and want to start showing this more than I have been.
On a much lighter note, Mason was sitting in the jumparoo this morning (at around 6am) and he was jumping and jumping and (I was on the computer right next to him) all of the sudden, he stopped jumping. I turned to look at him and he was asleep! His poor little head was just dangling (along with his little legs). It was so adorable! And yesterday, Dee and I looked on as my was giving him kisses as he was sitting in the jumparoo. She was so cute looking down to him and he was looking up at her just smiling away. I can't wait to see them grow up together.
Later that night (last night) I received a phone call from my dear friend Julie, who said her grandmother just died in a tragic car accident. Remembering what has just happened to my grandfather who is recovering in the hospital from a car accident as well, it just made me stop and think about how quickly life could change. In one second, life has changed for Julie, as it did for me with my grandpa. As I laid in bed last night, I realized how much I am wasting time, worrying about getting this done for school, or that done, while I am 'waiting' to be done. I don't want to spend my life 'waiting' for something else to be done or come along. I found myself thinking of being disappointed in myself for not spending as much time with Mya or Mason these past few weeks because I have been so overwhelmed by school. And the thing that really reminded me to wake up was reading a blog written by another dear friend Christina. She is about to face the 4 year anniversary of the death of her first born daughter and her strength and optimism is inspiring. As I think about my own kids, I realize how lucky I am and how much I am not appreciating as well as I could.
Now don't get me wrong, I love my kids and spend time with them all day everyday. But I think I can do better. I owe them that much. I have been getting up at 4 or 5am to try to get work done so that when they are awake I can spend time with them. But what has been happening is that I am getting up early, but then even when they are awake, I find myself drifting off to check my email or read this section of an article, when Mya is watching Dora. While she is learning a lot from Dora (Arriba...Abajo!!! - this is hilarious when she yells this out periodically), I know she needs more of her mother's attention. I intend to change that, beginning today.
I know that life is too short (because it feels like just yesterday that I was grumbing about architecture!) and can change in an instant. I also know that I love my children and husband and want to start showing this more than I have been.
On a much lighter note, Mason was sitting in the jumparoo this morning (at around 6am) and he was jumping and jumping and (I was on the computer right next to him) all of the sudden, he stopped jumping. I turned to look at him and he was asleep! His poor little head was just dangling (along with his little legs). It was so adorable! And yesterday, Dee and I looked on as my was giving him kisses as he was sitting in the jumparoo. She was so cute looking down to him and he was looking up at her just smiling away. I can't wait to see them grow up together.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
one year
This past weekend my husband and I celebrated our first anniversary together. I cannot believe it has already been a year. So much has happened since then that this first year of marriage has flown by. I think Dennis and I are a strong couple both because of our personalities and because of the things we have been through together. I think the fact that we both are generally pretty laid back and try to go with the flow (him more than I, but I think he has mellowed me out even more). I think this is why we don't argue as much as others, but also why we can do all that we do. Along with this, I think the fact that we have two kids and survived them (so far) without too many arguments, we are stronger. Dennis has an incredible amount of patience, both with me and with life, and this is one of my favorite things about him. I cannot thank him enough for his ability to listen to me rant and deal with my grumpiness when I become overwhelmed by all the things I think I can do at once!
On another note, Dennis and I just were laughing at how unraveled I become when I am sleepy. This morning, after what I felt was a long night of no sleeping with Mason, I came downstairs to change his diaper and clothes at 4:45am in the worst mood. I was grumbling as I changed him (as he was smiling up at me), ignoring his desire to play and talk to me. As I laugh about that, I do feel bad. It is just something that I cannot seem to overcome in those moments. The feeling of really wishing I could just go back to sleep just makes me such a grump. Dennis laughed as he asked if Mason survived the morning. I laughed and told him yes, though it was close. :)
Either way, one year down and many more to go...both as a couple and as parents...
On another note, Dennis and I just were laughing at how unraveled I become when I am sleepy. This morning, after what I felt was a long night of no sleeping with Mason, I came downstairs to change his diaper and clothes at 4:45am in the worst mood. I was grumbling as I changed him (as he was smiling up at me), ignoring his desire to play and talk to me. As I laugh about that, I do feel bad. It is just something that I cannot seem to overcome in those moments. The feeling of really wishing I could just go back to sleep just makes me such a grump. Dennis laughed as he asked if Mason survived the morning. I laughed and told him yes, though it was close. :)
Either way, one year down and many more to go...both as a couple and as parents...
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